March 3, 2010
Katelyn leaned over the guardrail and peered down into the river. It looked so peaceful down there, the water flowing downstream, occassionally taking chunks of ice with it. It would be months before the flow of the river became more powerful, but at this time of year it was near freezing. She checked her phone again, but still no message from Heidi. Katelyn raised her head up towards the sky and let out a primal, angry scream. She didn’t care if anyone heard her. She needed to get it out. As the wind thrashed about her, Katelyn replayed the argument from the previous day in her head.
It was the same every time. Heidi was miserable and somehow it was Katelyn’s fault. It always was. It was Katelyn’s fault that Heidi hadn’t graduated. It was Katelyn’s fault that Heidi had dropped classes because she was too stressed to take them or didn’t feel like doing the reading or because there were annoying people in the class. It was Katelyn’s fault that Heidi had dropped the same teaching internship class three times because she found out that teachers don’t make shit for a salary, that the teacher was giving Heidi too much responsibility, or that Heidi was irritated with the professor leading the internship. It was Katelyn’s fault that Heidi had to take a W in a course because she had procrastinated all semester on her term paper and when it came time write it, two days before it was due, she couldn’t do it. Yes, it was always Katelyn’s fault. Katelyn couldn’t take it anymore yesterday and told Heidi that none of the things that had gone wrong were her fault. If Heidi was so miserable and thought she’d be better off without Katelyn, then she was free to leave. When Katelyn got home, they argued some more. Katelyn walked over to the computer, opened up the domestic partner dissolution file that she had saved from the year before, printed it, signed it, and left it on the desk. She then packed a bag and walked out the door, giving Heidi time to get stuff out of the house without her there. She was done.
How could everything have gone so wrong, so quickly. It felt as if some higher entity had decided to play some horrible prank on her over the last few years. Was she some modern day Job? Katelyn laughed at that almost as soon as the thought entered her mind. She knew their lives were better than a lot of people, but life had become too stressful, too disappointing. They had a roof over their heads, food on the table, working cars. But it didn’t seem to be enough sometimes. She felt like someone was always wanting more from her. They didn’t have extra money for luxury items or even to go to the movie now and then. She couldn’t take people shopping for clothes because she had maxed out her credit cards buying necessities. Now she was filing bankruptcy. Heidi would complain about not having extra money to buy new socks or underwear, but somehow she managed to give the kids outrageous allowances and buy herself music on iTunes. Pointing this out would only start a fight and Katelyn did her best most days to avoid drama.
Katelyn had never really been materialistic. She didn’t need the latest gadgets or coolest clothes. She really didn’t care about clothes at all for the most part, a point of contention between her and Heidi. Katelyn didn’t think she should be judged based on what she wore, whether or not she had on makeup, or whether her hair was perfectly styled. Heidi was the exact opposite. She thought that if you’re going to leave the house, you need to appear the best you can. Going out in sweats or without makeup was a sign of laziness, and in Heidi’s mind, low self-worth and weakness. Katelyn just didn’t give a shit what other people thought. If she was going to go to the store to buy groceries, why did she need to put on makeup or better clothes? It was the fucking grocery store! Heidi often said that Katelyn’s appearance gave off the wrong vibe. And when she was having an episode and really wanted to hurt Katelyn, Heidi would pick on how she dressed, her hair, everything. At first, those attacks really hurt Katelyn. Damaged her actually. Then Katelyn realized it was just Heidi lashing out about her own insecurities and projecting them on Katelyn. Heidi always apologized later, saying she didn’t mean any of it, but the damage had been done. Over and over. And if it wasn’t her appearance, it was what she read. Or what she watched. Or what she listened to. Katelyn felt like she was under constant surveillance, every word and action being scrutinized for error or weakness.
A strong, cold gust of wind knocked Katelyn out of her thoughts and back to reality. She just didn’t know how much more she could take. She had tried telling Heidi all these things, but Heidi always managed to turn it around and make it about Katelyn’s insecurities. Heidi refused to take responsibility for the damage she had done to Katelyn’s self-esteem. And if she did feel responsible, she never showed it. It was ironic really. Heidi always accused Katelyn of not taking ownership of her issues and mistakes, but Heidi was the biggest violator of that in their relationship. Looking out over the river, Katelyn could see the foam where the river picked up momentum and went over rocks. That’s how she felt sometimes. Like she was travelling down a river, out of control and unable to grab onto anything for stability or to keep her from rushing headlong into the darkness. She started to think about all the decisions in her life. Where had she gone wrong? She knows that if she went back in time and decided not to be with Heidi, her life would be different. But would it be better? Had all her decisions led up to this point? Or was there one decision, in the long-distant past that was responsible for bringing her here, to this point, looking out over an ice cold river, wishing she could disappear and not feel the pain anymore. Not feel the disappointment and hurt. Not feel the anger. Not feel anything. Where had she gone wrong?