Christmas with my family is not for the faint of heart. It is often a whirlwind of snark, sarcasm, jokes, and fast-moving conversations…and that’s all before noon. By the end of the day, we’re usually wiped out and have sore stomachs and faces from laughing all day. Here’s a little glimpse of Christmas at our house:

• Wrapping paper, bows, and ribbons will be thrown like basketballs at other people. More than one will be placed upon someone’s head or as twin “adornments” on someone’s shirt.
• My sister will try to scare me with a Nutcracker figure. Yes, I have an illogical fear of those evilly grinning, sword bearing little bastards.
• When someone asks another person at the cookie plate to bring them something, there’s a high likelihood the requested item will be thrown to the person across the room. Same goes for rolls at dinner.
• I will wander around the house messing with Christmas decorations. I’ve already been told I’m not allowed within five feet of the Nativity scene. I think we all know that won’t stop me…
• My brother’s dog will drink out of someone’s glass. One year he had a little too much rum and coke and had a doggie buzz for half the day.
• My brother, sister, and I will find some way to embarrass my dad. It’s fun to watch his face turn red.
• My mom will at some point call out all of our names because one of us has done something and we are being reprimanded. The roll call is usually proceeded by “Goddammit!”
• My sister and I will find something so funny that we will laugh until we are crying, squealing, and unable to breathe. The dogs will stare at us and wonder why we haven’t been medicated.
• Though our parents taught us table manners, my sister and I will ignore them and play “Lookie” with our food. The more colors, the better.
• My brother will make armpit fart noises during dinner.
• Someone will start choking at dinner because they are laughing and eating at the same time. Once we make sure the person can actually breathe, we will all laugh.

Yes, that is the typical Christmas in our family. Chew at your own risk…