About Your New Model

Congratulations! You now have you very own EKO-274. As I’m sure you’re aware, this is a limited edition model. This guide is intended to help you get the best out of EKO-274 so that you will have many happy years together.

EKO-274 (also referred to as “she” and/or “her” in this guide) was built in California. She is a loyal and loving entity who is sensitive to those around her. Intelligent, athletic, and quick-witted, we’re sure you’ll find her to be a perfect match for your lifestyle. She is adaptable to different situations and climates, but care must be taken to ensure her physical and mental well-being. This particular model was built to be extra sensitive. As a result, she is also prone to moodiness and mild insecurity. All these minor flaws can be easily dealt with by following the care instructions in this guide.

Please read all sections carefully. Failure to do so could result in the malfunction of your model.

 

General Maintenance

• EKO-274 is a finely built model and needs careful alignment to ensure proper function. Should she become misaligned, please take her to an authorized maintenance center for adjustments.
  NOTE: She is especially sensitive to her alignment issues and repeated teasing could result in defensiveness and failure to report maintenance needs.
• Regular communication is necessary for her to feel that she is aware of what is going on. Without it, her mind wanders and she tends to believe the worst.
• Provide a balanced diet of meat, vegetables, pasta, wine, and baked goods. This will ensure a healthy and happy lifespan.
• EKO-274 requires regular exercise. She has been programmed to play many sports, but prefers tennis. Variety is key for this model; she is easily bored.
• Stimulation of the cognitive cortex is essential for her. She must be provided with books and other activities that will keep her interest. A bored EKO-274 is dangerous.
• Please provide her with love, attention, comfort, and laughter. She is sensitive and a lack of the above often results in feelings of inadequacy. If she feels she’s being ignored, she can become bitchy.

WARNING: The manufacturer is not responsible for any “accidents” that occur as a result of failing to follow the maintenance instructions.

 

Monthly Maintenance

In addition to regular maintenance, the EKO-274 requires monthly maintenance. You will know when this maintenance is necessary because she will suddenly become moody, weepy, and have an insatiable appetite for triple chocolate brownies and wine. Do NOT attempt to stop the consumption of these items. Doing so could result in injury to yourself and the model.

Please pay special attention to the general maintenance instructions during this time period as well. Though you may find it unnecessary, and perhaps even silly, there is no harm in providing extra maintenance to her. She will always show her appreciation for the care you provide.

 

Troubleshooting

This table provides an overview of the most common issues you may come across with EKO-274. Please pay special attention to the solutions given.

 

Problem	Do This	NEVER Do This
Shows signs of crankiness due to work problems	Listen to her, tell her you’re sorry she’s having a bad day. Give her a hug. Give her wine	Tell her she should be glad she has a job. Ignore her
Shows signs of neediness or depression	Compliment her. Give her a hug. Ask her if she needs anything. Turn on ABBA or Andrea Bocelli	Tell her other people have it worse. Turn on Josh Groban. Ignore her.
Shows signs of low blood sugar	Feed IMMEDIATELY	Tell her that it’s her own fault for not eating at the proper time.
Shows signs of boredom	Turn on Star Wars. Hand her a book.	Tell her there are chores that need to be done.
Shows signs of horniness	Take her to a private location immediately.	Tell her you’re tired or have a headache.

 

Manufacturer Notes

The instructions and guidelines we have provided are based on many years of testing with prototype models. The EKO-274 you have is based on our latest prototype, which withstood the most vigorous testing and stressing we could provide over a six-year period. While there may be some variations in your model due to manufacturing materials, you can be sure that this guide is accurate enough to follow.

Should you run into issues that are not covered in this guide, please feel free to provide us with that information and feedback. We are always striving to provide the best customer experience possible.