Kid Bullshit Detector

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I think I’ve missed my calling in life. Over the last few years, I’ve really honed my bullshit detector specifically for anyone under the age of 18. I can credit my partner’s kids for helping me develop this skill. Early on, I tried to give them both the benefit of the doubt. But now, not so much.

Of course, if I call them on it I’m either “insensitive”, “mean”, or “not maternal enough”. Personally, I don’t think having a bullshit detector means any of those things. It just means I’m not gullible. If your kid feels sick now and then or gets headaches, that’s believable. When your kid gets sick or has a headache whenever one or more of the following conditions is met, it’s bullshit:

  • Mom is sick or has a headache
  • Sibling is getting attention
  • Dog is getting ¬†attention
  • Spouse/Partner is getting attention
  • Mom has homework
  • Mom is cranky and likely to yell at everyone if you push her too much for 24/7 attention

Today, the first four were met and suddenly youngest child has a headache and doesn’t feel good. Yeah, I find that “interesting”. Oh, I can hear it now.

“You’re so suspicious. Is it really so hard to believe the kid doesn’t feel good?”

Live here a few months and you won’t be calling me a paranoid, insensitive asshole.

The oldest doesn’t pull this kind of crap. She knows better. She knows I can detect it a mile away and will call her on it. She also knows her sister is more devious and persistent. The youngest though, she refuses to give up the game. When she sees me coming, I’m pretty sure she sees 666 on my forehead. She doesn’t like that I call her on her bullshit and hold her accountable for her behavior.

I know, it’s petty to get so bent out of shape about a kid acting like this. Well, I never said I wasn’t petty. I don’t tolerate rudeness and disrespect in children. It just isn’t acceptable. That might make me a rarity in today’s world, but I don’t care. There are some things I refuse to budge on. I’ll keep using my bullshit detector until it is crystal clear that the behavior isn’t acceptable.

In the meantime, I’m working on plans for a bullshit detector with a taser feature. It straps onto your kids, much like one of those ankle bracelets so many celebrities are sporting these days.

Oh, stop gasping. I’m not suggesting we electrocute anyone. Just a little zap to remind them bullshit isn’t allowed. Works on dogs, why not kids?

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