I’ve had a lot of time over the last few months to actually sit and be alone with my thoughts. This used to be a treacherous undertaking. Life with my ex was…bumpy. There wasn’t much I was happy about and nothing I did was ever good enough. I felt like I was under constant scrutiny, with every word and action subject to criticism. As a result, I had become completely neurotic and paranoid.
Now, I am free. Free of the scrutiny. Free of the criticism. Free of the resentment that got put on me because she wasn’t happy with her own life and decisions. I’ve spent time thinking about how I got to this point, what it all means, and where it’s leading. All the little decisions and all the big decisions. All the mistakes. Would I change anything if I could?
Not a chance.
Even though it feels like I’ve been to hell and back the last five years, my experiences have taught me a lot about myself. What I want. What I don’t want. What I need. Most of all, I learned that I can deal with a LOT of crap and still come out standing. I guess I’m a lot like a Timex watch…I keep on ticking.
I look back at all the decisions I’ve made since I was 17, all the forks in the road, and I see how each one led to an important experience that has made me who I am today. The decision to play one sport over another. The college I went to. The people I became friends with. The people I dated. My jobs. My relationships. Even my hobbies and passions. All those things have led to this particular moment in time. I can think of five or six decisions that if made differently, would mean I wasn’t here writing on OS. And if I weren’t here, I wouldn’t have made some of the friends I’ve made. For the first time, I feel like I’m actually in the right place at the right time.
So, what does all of this have to do with music?
A song popped up on my iTunes at work the other day that really struck a chord with me (no pun intended…really). After looking up the lyrics and doing some research, I discovered it was from a movie. And apparently it also won an Oscar (yeah, I’ve been a bit out of the loop on some stuff over the years). After watching the movie, I was amazed by how much I could relate to the sentiment behind it. And it all goes back to how you don’t know how one decision, one chance meeting, one look, one email can change everything.
You can’t always predict when you’re going to meet someone who’s going to change your life. You don’t know when you’re trudging your way through grief and anger and sadness that someone else is going to be on the other side to help you back up. You don’t know that a casual conversation could eventually lead to something much more serious. And I don’t think any of us really ever know when love is going to sneak up on us. It can happen when we least expect it and when we aren’t even looking. Maybe that’s the way it should be.
The one thing I do know is that I feel good about my path right now. I think the next few years are going to be good ones and I’m looking forward to the journey.