The strangest events can trigger a memory or send you spiraling back into your past, where you are forced to confront ghosts you’d rather ignore. I left my sunglasses at a friend’s home the other evening. It wasn’t until the next morning that I noticed they were gone. We already had dinner plans for that weekend, so I just figured I’d get them then.

~

I’ve never been the kind of person to “treat” myself to things. Part of that has been a lack of funds. The other part has always been feeling guilt at doing something I considered selfish. Stupid catholic school warped me more than I thought. During the four years I was with my not so sane ex, I spent a lot of time (and money) trying to do things for her that would make her happy. Of course, that was only after she started complaining that I never brought surprises home for her. Apparently, her idea of showing you cared was by whipping out your wallet and buying something. That didn’t jive well with me. But I tried anyway. I wouldn’t buy something for myself. I wouldn’t take time to do something for myself. I had learned from past experiences with her that any such acts would be met with criticism, insults, and a tantrum.

~

The sunglasses weren’t even that special or expensive. In fact, they were a replacement for another pair. I just ran into the store, found something that was on clearance and fairly decent looking, and left. I just needed something to protect my eyes. Protection. I needed to protect myself. Whatever it took. It had reached the point where I couldn’t ignore my reality any longer.

~

I don’t remember what had prompted her to pick this particular fight. It didn’t take much anymore for her to go off the deep end. I went back to the bedroom in an attempt to diffuse the situation. The best thing was to not engage. I had become a master at that. Let her spew her shit. Ignore it. Let it roll off your shoulders. I tried. I really did. Some days, though, it was too much. She came back and started yelling shit at me. The usual. I’m stupid. I’m selfish. I’m an asshole. She doesn’t love me. I finally lost my patience. I tell her “Fine. I’ll give you exactly what you want since you are so fucking miserable and I’m such an awful fucking person to be around.” I walked out to the computer and printed out the forms to dissolve our partnership. I could hear her throwing things around in the bedroom. I could only imagine what she was doing.

~

The time since I obtained my freedom has been spent finding myself again. I needed to regain my footing. I needed to start taking care of myself and putting myself first for once. It hasn’t been easy. I’ve struggled with all the emotions that come up when these memories come flooding back. They don’t come as often now. When they do, they are so strong it’s like I’m reliving the events.

~

She came stomping down the hallway, still yelling at me. When she saw what I was doing, she screamed that I couldn’t use the printer because it was something SHE bought and SHE wouldn’t allow it. I didn’t bother to mention that the computer and everything else in the house was what I had purchased over the years. I ignored her and kept printing out the necessary forms. She went back to the bedroom and I heard more banging and crashing. When she came back out, she opened her hand and dumped out the pieces that had been my watch. The watch she bought me for my birthday. Then she started grabbing every decoration within reach and hurled them at the door behind my head. There were shards of glass everywhere. I went back to the bedroom to see how much damage she had done. My jewelry and jewelry boxes were all over the floor. My sunglasses had been snapped into several pieces. That was when I made the decision. I was done.

~

It took several days after leaving my sunglasses behind to realize I didn’t want them back. That’s when these flashbacks hit me. The sunglasses I left were the replacements for the ones that were destroyed. They held bad memories that I could no longer keep with me. I needed to purge them from my soul, just as I’ve tried to purge every other bad memory of that relationship.

~

If you had asked me a year ago where I’d be in another year or two, I would’ve had an answer. But events and circumstances shift and change on us faster than we’d like. I know where I’d like to be. I know there’s someone I’d like to be with. But I can’t say with any certainty what will happen. None of us can. We can’t know what lies ahead of us on this crazy road we’re travelling. We can only make decisions based on what we know and what we’d like. A lot of it is out of our control. You can’t live in the present or build your future if you’re constantly looking over your shoulder at the mistakes and tragedies of your past.

~

I did something out of character. For my birthday, I bought myself a gift. You could say it was unnecessary. You could even say it was extravagant. Most of the time, I would agree with you. But this was different. This was more than just a birthday gift. It was a survival gift. It was a symbol of my new journey. It’s a replacement of what was broken in a previous life. They may just be sunglasses, meant to protect my eyes as I continue my journey, but they are so much more than that to me.