Compromising Positions: A Holiday Tradition

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Halloween is tomorrow, which means Thanksgiving and Christmas are just around the corner. Ah, the beginning of the holiday season. Visits from family, too much food, shopping, stress. For me, I associate the holidays with compromising positions. It’s something of a family tradition now. Now, before you start making assumptions about my family, let me explain. I’m talking about the tradition of putting holiday decorations into inappropriate and often suggestive positions. Yes, we do collectively have a somewhat sick sense of humor. But we are rarely boring during holiday events.

I think it started when I was in high school and smuggled one of my sister’s stuffed animals out of her apartment. I thought it would be funny to do something to it for when she came over later that day. So, I found an unused telephone cord, tied it around the poor animal’s neck and hung it from the patio rafters. The look and scream were well worth it. But it came at a price. When I came home from work later that day, she had gone above and beyond with her own revenge. I found my animals all over the house in all kinds of positions. Several were hanging from plant hangars. One was in the microwave. One was naked in the bathtub. And she had put Chip, Dale, and Thumper in a threesome. From that moment on, it was a contest of sorts.

Once we had all moved out, we took to messing with our parents. At Thanksgiving, we would take the squirrels-dressed-as-pilgrims salt and pepper shakers and do various things with them. Sometimes we put them in the wine glasses. Other times we stacked them on top of the nuts in the middle of the table. And more often than not, we had them…mating. It was always fun to see how long it took my parents to notice the changes and then listen to my mom run through our names and the names of the dogs in her flustered state. We put the squirrels back to normal, only to move them again at some point during dinner. Of course, my brother always claimed he didn’t do it, but he witnesses it, which makes him just as guilty.

Now Christmas is the real bonanza. So many things to mess with. We move the reindeer candle holders so that it looks like they are flying drunk. We turn the Santas around or have the Santas “associating” with one another. Ornaments find their way to unusual places, like the bathroom or kitchen. And what says Christmas more than the Virgin Mary getting it on with Darth Vader? Yes, we are somewhat twisted (though that last one is really more me than anyone else). And with young kids in my house, I can’t be quite as creative as I’d like. So, I’ll have to make sure I do a really good job with my parents’ decorations this year. And with over a month to plan, I’m sure I’ll come up with something disturbing.

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