I’ve been spending a lot of time purging lately. Purging the house and garage of my ex’s things and of the items I no longer want or need. Most of it was acquired during our time together and I don’t want to see it. I’ve been surprised by how strong the memories are, attached to such insignificant items like a rug or an oven mitt or dishes. Last night I made the decision to purge my kitchen cabinets of all dishes and silverware that we bought. This might seem extreme, even wasteful. Keep reading and you’ll understand my reasons.
The dishes themselves are reminders of every mealtime battle fought. Every complaint. Every tantrum. Every bitchfest. Nothing cooked was ever good enough. With one kid, she refused to eat anything I made or brought home, just to spite me. That always started an argument. She liked those arguments. She liked to see her mom yelling at me.
I didn’t get to pick out any of the dishes. Sure, I was there and bought them, but my opinion didn’t matter. The blue ones remind me of the time she had a meltdown one morning because breakfast wasn’t warmed up the way she wanted. Nevermind that she wasn’t clear about it. Nevermind that I went to work later just to help out at home that particular morning. No, instead of being a reasonable adult, she picked up the plate, with the food still on it, and smashed it against the counter. Then she yelled at me for 10 minutes about how useless I was and how I should’ve just gone to work because it’s not like I’m ever around to help in the morning anyway. After she was done and had gone back to the bedroom to get ready for school, I picked up the broken pieces of ceramic, the crumbled food, put it in the trash, and went to work. I was the only one with a job, so I couldn’t afford to get fired.
The green dishes remind me of the night she had yet another meltdown. I don’t even remember why. She had them so often that they tend to bleed together. I just remember her picking up the white dishes and throwing one after another on the ground. That pretty much wiped out our dishware, so new stuff had to be purchased the next day. Guess who cleaned up that mess? Yep. Me. I cleaned up all the messes.
The silverware wasn’t anything I really liked either. She picked it out, but then immediately started complaining that you couldn’t cut meat with it. No shit. That’s because they weren’t meant for that. But that was somehow my fault too. So the old silverware is going because I don’t want anymore reminders. I want something nice. Something I like. Something with no memories attached.
I found everything I wanted today. Plates I loved. Silverware that fit my personality. Even some nice glasses and a pitcher. It’s all for me. All to start fresh. All ready for making new, good memories with friends, and maybe, even a new special someone. Out with the old, in with the new. I’m starting fresh and loving every minute of it.