I’ve come to the conclusion that my last relationship was like a horrible game of pin the tail on the donkey, except the damn ass never stood still. Yes, trying to meet the ever-changing and never-satisfied demands and moods of my ex was a losing proposition. But damn if I didn’t try! One day, my telephone conversations were too serious and “intellectual.” The next, too superficial and frivolous. My reading choices were either too fluffy or too serious or too “intellectual”. Why don’t I read something classic? Why don’t I read something modern? And don’t even get me started on tv and movies. I was criticized for my tastes by someone who would often watch nothing but Cops, Forensic Files, Lockup, and horror movies. To each their own, I say. If I tried to take care of the housework because I knew she wasn’t up for it or mentally able to do much of anything, then I was controlling. If I left things for her to do, then I was lazy and “as useless as a man.” When I tried to logically address these issues, I was made to feel like everything was my fault and it was all in my head. I knew better, but that didn’t always help in the moment.
I may be plaguing some unlucky souls who come across my blog with this, but there’s always that option to hit the Back button. I’m unloading it all here for several reasons.
– This blog is a hell of a lot cheaper than therapy.
– Writing is a much better way for me to express myself.
– I can often answer all the questions in my own head by the time I’m done writing.
One big question (or maybe several combined questions): What the hell was I thinking? Why did I stay so long?
I was thinking (or trying to convince myself) that she was the “one.” She wasn’t. But I kept at it. I told myself it was the stress of the new living situation, school, my work. There was a part of me that felt a spark, but that little voice in the back of my head kept throwing warnings at me. Did I listen? Hell no. Here’s the other thing. I’m fiercely loyal. I made a commitment to her and by God, I was going to keep it. Yeah, I know sometimes you have to break a commitment to save your own skin. Hindsight is 20/20. It wasn’t ALL bad. There were times when things between us were good. There were times when her illness wasn’t so bad and the kind and supportive person came out. Problem was it just wasn’t very often.
There were just too many important things missing for the relationship to ever really work. She didn’t respect or trust me because she didn’t respect or trust herself. And eventually I didn’t trust her either. There was no passion. Passion meant not being in control and she had to have control over something in her life. I wasn’t counting the minutes until I heard from her again. There was no mutual compromise. I either adapted to what she wanted or I was told why I was an asshole if I didn’t. There was hypocrisy. There were double standards. And I was on the losing end of all of it. I’m taking my lessons from this failure and moving forward.
All this toxic shit that has built up has to go. So, I’m dumping it all out. I have no room for it anymore. I don’t want it anymore. Her issues are not my issues. Her failures are not my failures. It’s like I’ve had a bad computer virus stuck in me, slowly taking over all my systems. Well, I’m refurbishing myself. The old memory is being replaced by memory that hasn’t been sullied. The hard drive is being wiped, making room for new, positive experiences. I’ll put a spit-shine on the chassis and put myself out there as a good-as-new, refurbished me. And someday, some lucky gal will come along and swoop me up. There will be passion and trust and respect and love and laughter. There will be all those things that make you grateful to wake up each day next to that person and fall asleep with them each night. We’ll count the minutes until we see each other again. We’ll take care of each other and enjoy each other. I can take off the blindfold and finally know exactly where I’m going.