Author’s Note: Because this ended up being SOOOOOO long, I’m splitting it up into two parts. Aren’t you lucky.
I’ve resisted for as long as possible. I don’t stay with Windows Vista because I like it. Frankly, I think it sucks. But I don’t use it every day. I’m on a Mac when I’m at home. At work, I was on Windows XP until they got me a new computer with Windows 7. If I’d had to work with that pathetic excuse of an operating system every day, I probably would have been committed.
Unfortunately, my partner does have to work on it every day. And she works at home. Can you see where I might be going with this? The only way to save what is left of our sanity is to finally bite the bullet and upgrade the damn computer. The good news: I get a license dirt cheap because I work for a university. The bad news: I can only get one for one computer every 12 months. The laptop will have to wait. Or get used as a paperweight.
Why do I call this semi-live blogging?
Well, anyone who has ever done an upgrade knows it can take days…if you’re lucky. And there are HOURS of just waiting for the computer to decide it wants to do something. Here we go…
Friday, September 17
7:30 PM: Begin data backup. Sure, the Microsoft site says my data, applications, etc. will be retained during the upgrade. But I learned long ago to NEVER trust Microsoft.
7:45 PM: Where are the goddamn blank DVDs?!
7:50 PM: Partner produces blank DVDs from storage box next to computer desk. Last place I would have looked seeing as how none of those boxes are organized in a manner that makes sense. They aren’t mine…
8:00 PM: Oh, only 4 DVDs are needed to backup the kids’ iTunes. I’m never going to sleep…
8:20 PM: Kids iTunes are backed up. That went faster than I expected. Now for my partner’s data…
8:30 PM: Thank God she had done a recent iTunes backup. Only 1 DVD required. There are, however, over 4 GBs of data to backup.
8:33 PM: Started data burn and going to take shower.
8:43 PM: Out of shower and DVD is still going.
8:50 PM: First DVD done. Start on second.
9:15 PM: Data backed up. Of course I can’t really verify that because the computer has decided to freeze…
9:20 PM: Yep, data backed up. Time to run compatibility tool.
9:30 PM: What do you f*&@ing mean I need to install Vista Service Pack 1:?! I did that two years ago!!
9:32 PM: Partner finds my swearing at the computer amusing. She says she’s going to post a running commentary of my expletive-strewn explosions as her Facebook statuses. Glad someone is enjoying this…
9: 35 PM: Look, it shows right here in the Windows Update history that I installed Service Pack 1 in 2008! Why do you have to keep insisting that it isn’t there you stupid piece of shit?!
9:40 PM: Begin to download files for Service Packs 1 and 2 since Windows can’t seem to find them.
10:00 PM: Files downloaded. There’s no f*&@ing way I’m going to install these tonight. I’m going to bed.
Saturday, September 18
Computer is off-limits until partner is done working at 5 pm. Day is spent grocery shopping, cleaning up around house, and helping kids with school projects.
6:00 PM: Kids fed. Dog fed. Time to start. Small animal sacrifice made to Computer Gods in hopes of a smooth and quick upgrade.
6:03 PM: Reboot computer, just to be safe.
6:10 PM: Computer finally ready. Begin install of Service Pack 1. I can’t believe I have to install this again…
6:15 PM: Kids ask if they can use computer. Are you f*&@ing kidding me?! “No, you can’t use the computer. I’ll be on it all night. Go read a book.”
6:40 PM: Service Pack 1 installed. Starting install of Service Pack 2.
6:50 PM: Partner asks if computer will be ready for her shift tomorrow. “Let’s hope so. If not, you’ll just have to use the laptop.” People really do need to leave me alone if they want to keep their heads…
7:00 PM: Service Pack 2 installed. Anti-virus software deactivated. Let the games begin…
7:02 PM: Install CD starts and runs another compatibility test. Again. Tells me computer has all that is necessary to upgrade and all software is compatible with new OS. Let’s hope it isn’t lying…
7:03 PM: Click Install Now. This will take awhile… Go to couch and find something good to watch.
7:30 PM: Only 5% of existing data has been moved. At this rate, I’ll be done Tuesday…
8:00 PM: Oh, only 563,842 files need to be moved. Well, THAT makes me feel better. I wonder if there are any good movies on?
8:30 PM: 30% of files moved. Dear God, please speed this up…
9:00 PM: Kids ask again when the computer will be done. Head spins around 360 degrees and they run from room.
9:30 PM: Look! Reruns of the Flintstones! Score!
10:00 PM: Data move complete. Now it’s unpacking install files. Think I’ll have a Pepsi…or tequila. Maybe both.
10:15 PM: Unpacking only at 2% complete. Well, I really didn’t feel like sleeping tonight anyway.
10:30 PM: Why are we paying for 300+ channels of crap? Oh yeah. So we can watch Glee and a select few other shows. I don’t have the attention span to watch a recorded show or good movie. Back to cartoons.
11:00 PM: Dog looks at me strangely when I start holding a conversation with the computer. Unpacking at 30% complete.
11:30 PM: Betty White on SNL! I’ve seen it, but who cares. Unpacking at 40%.
Midnight: I turn back into a pumpkin.
12:30 AM: Unpacking at 50%. I’m starting to feel a little crazy. [Insert comment here.]
12:35 AM: Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go…
1:00 AM: Unpacking at 75%. I hate Microsoft.
1:30 AM: ::pretending pretzel stick is joint:: “Yeah, man. This makes the upgrade process WAY better!” If only…
1:45 AM: Unpacking complete. Installing files now…
2:00 AM: ::in best James Cagney voice:: “Now see here, computer, you’re going to finish up and you’re going to finish up fast. Got it? I’m not playing around. You get done.”
2:10 AM: Install at 30%. Hey, Ferris Bueller is on!
2:30 AM: Fall asleep watching Bueller. I’m totally Cameron.
3:15 AM: Wake up and see that computer is waiting for Product Key. Enter and wait for it to finish.
3:18 AM: Computer reboots.
3:20 AM: Computer starts up. I log in. After loading desktop, gives me Blue Screen of Death. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
3:21 AM: I should have sacrificed something bigger.
3:22 AM: Reboot in hopes this was a fluke.
3:25 AM: Partner asks me how I’m doing. The look on my face says it all. “Well, I’ll just hope the laptop is working in the morning,” she says. Yeah, thanks for the sympathy.
3:26 AM: Second Blue Screen of Death. Shut down computer. I’m too tired to deal with this now. Going to bed.
Tomorrow: Part 2 of “The Upgrade.” Will she get the computer running? Will she turn to the bottle for help? Will she get committed?